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Posts Tagged ‘P G Wodehouse’

ashokbhatia

When it comes to attaining a state of matrimonial bliss, hapless husbands have to resort to tactics of all kinds. TheirVeryGoodJeeves misdemeanours should not come to the notice of the better half. The satiation of their gastric juices has to be accorded a lower priority. The social reputation of their bosom pals has to be sacrificed at the altar of marital peace.

‘Jeeves and the Old School Chum’ (Very Good, Jeeves) is a short story where Bingo Little’s food habits come in for harsh criticism at the hands of Laura Pyke, an old school mate of Rosie M. Banks. Bertie fears that continuous feedback of this nature could result into marital relations between the couple turning sour. However, a missed lunch basket, and a sorely missed afternoon cup of tea, lead to a bitter argument between the school chums. Laura Pyke walks out of their lives. Matrimonial peace continues to…

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ashokbhatia

In the post-matrimony phase, we find Bingo Little to be a devoted husband. Maintaining matrimonial peace and harmony is the sole purpose of his life. When it comes to keeping his lady-love happy and contented, there is little that he leaves to chance.

If a childhood friend has to be persuaded to soften up an uncle, he does it. If having the same friend being held to be a VeryGoodJeeveslooney helps him to make the dove of peace flap its sonorous wings over his abode, he does not hesitate.

If a cook of the stature of Anatole has to be sacrificed to ensure that his social reputation does not nosedive, so be it.

In Jeeves and the Impending Doom(Very Good, Jeeves), we find him struggling hard to earn his subsistence by tutoring a despicable kid like Thos. He has to ensure that he is not discovered to be…

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ashokbhatia

In ensuring a state of peace and harmony at home, Bingo demonstrates himself to be a man of chilled steel. In order to be able to protect his social prestige, he even agrees to dispense with the services of God’s gift to our gastric juices – Anatole. For a foodie like him, who, upon noticing a glorious sunset, would be apt to say that it reminded him of a slice of roast beef, cooked just right, this is indeed an instance of supreme sacrifice.

The perils of marrying an author

In ‘Clustering Round Young Bingo’(Carry On, Jeeves), Rosie M. Banks gets commissioned by Aunt Dahlia to PGW CarryOnJeeveswrite an article for Milady’s Boudoir. Bingo is understandably all of a twitter, because the article, entitled “How I Keep the Love of My Husband-Baby”, has some juicy comments concerning him. If made public, Bingo’s reputation would surely go for a toss.

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ashokbhatia

Present tense, future perfect

Many of us, the residents of Plumsville, are familiar with eligible bachelors and spinsters who dot its magnificent landscape. Their attempts at attracting each other, as well as their romantic rifts, keep us glued to many a narrative. Incurable optimists that we are, we believe that once they have tied the knot, they would live happily ever after. Their present may be tense, but their future would surely be perfect.

But life has this innate tendency to keep them baffled. The harsh slings and arrows of Fate continue to torment them with equal ferocity even after they have sauntered down the aisle with their soul mates and we, the gullible readers, have mistakenly decided to breathe easy.

To PG Wodehouse’s credit, he etches out the struggles of married couples with as much aplomb as he does those of bachelors and spinsters in his narratives.

The curious…

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The Droitgate Spa is well known for its detoxification programs for curing such ailments as gouty foots, asthma, liver troubles, telangiectasis, emotional dermatitis, hyperpyrexia and also in handling all kinds of stretcher cases.

The Spa announces the commencement of some specialized capsules aimed at the weary-eyed denizens who, even as they confess to being held prisoners amongst the multitude of screens in our technology-driven times, inwardly wish to be free from the tyranny of their technical gizmos.

The courses on offer are also ideal for netizens who are addicted to various social media platforms but do not relish the attendant loss of their privacy. These would enable a participant to learn to ‘switch off’ from their virtual worlds at will and concentrate instead on connecting with their real family and friends.

Capsules on offer

Getting rid of Commentitis

To overcome the need for commenting upon, and getting involved in, some inane discussion on any of the social media platforms.

Shying away from Topicalitis

Learn to take a long-term view of things in life; avoid whipping up passions on something which is trending on social media and may get you only your 15 seconds of fame.

Doing away with Checkitis

Learning how to restrict the habit of frequently checking what is happening on the World Wide Web.

Cultivating Humouronia

Taking it easy, with a dash of humour. The virtual world is not the real world. A ‘like’ could be posted merely to be in your good books. A derogatory remark could be unpeeled to reveal invaluable feedback, or even to present an alternative perspective.

A booster shot of Vitamin I

An innovative Idea is what the weary netizen looks out for. Learn to whip up and unleash some such ideas on the unsuspecting public and derive some real satisfaction.

The perils of 5G and beyond

Discover the environmental and behavioural perils of advanced technologies in the offing. Revenue-hungry governments would not be interested in your knowing these. Businesses chasing top and bottom lines could not care less.

Sifting the wheat from the chaff

Building nerves of chilled steel to protect yourself, your family and your country from mischievous messages planted by media cells of governments and political parties to sway your opinion about things which matter.

Getting kids disinterested in the virtual world

Tactics for changing Wi-Fi passwords without displeasing kids and ensuring an internet-free time slot at home is one aspect which gets covered in this module. Charging them up for building real relationships with those they come in contact with and encouraging them for outdoor activities also get covered. The capsule is based entirely on the psychology of the individual.

Becoming a Certified WWW Scout

Net-savvy girls and boys who wish to follow in the footsteps of Edwin the Boy Scout in an age driven by Artificial Intelligence and Internet of Things can get specialized training and start benign online campaigns to:

(a) Persuade their respective governments to provide their citizens an open web which respects their rights,

(b) Enthuse businesses to make sure that the web is not only safe but also accessible and affordable,

(c) Get all the concerned to ensure adequate protection of user data.

Background Note

The management of Droitgate Spa is of the considered view that our poor minds are now surrounded by a continuous stream of information. Commerce determines content. Aesthetes do the window dressing. Governments monitor it.

In other words, reality for most of us is now nothing but a simulation.  Our social conscience has started changing for the worse, ignoring fact, reality and truth. We no longer have the time or the patience to burrow deep and ferret out the truth. Thus, we keep ourselves cocooned in our comfort zones.

The capsules mentioned above have been designed to buck this trend.

Details

  • Each capsule being launched now has been designed by an eminent panel of experts, including Mr Joseph Boffin, Dr Sally Smith, Sir Aylmer Bastable and Sir Roderick Glossop.
  • As to capsules targeted at the younger lot, Mr Reginald Jeeves and Master Thos shall be conducting the sessions.
  • Duration could be either for a week or for a weekend, depending upon the needs of the applicant. The Scout Certification course is a weekend program spread over 12 weeks.
  • Custom-designed capsules could be offered to corporates who intend to make bulk bookings.
  • Participation Certificates are issued in association with the Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies.
  • The capsules get delivered in a pristine environment where nature can be experienced at its very best. Wi-Fi shall not be provided. Use of cell phones, tablets and laptops during the proceedings is sneered at.
  • Romantic affairs of the relatives of participants are best handled off-campus.

For further details, please visit www.droitgate.org.

(Image courtesy http://www.pexels.com)

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2018/12/16/a-plummy-workshop-on-emerging-technologies-courtesy-the-international-league-of-happiness

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2016/09/23/bertie-jeeves-and-the-internet-of-things

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/12/08/bertie-social-media-and-blogging-blues

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/12/08/bertie-social-media-and-blogging-blues

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/08/04/mirror-mirror-on-the-wall-who-is-the-smartest-of-them-all)

 

 

 

 

 

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ashokbhatia

Whether it is the realm of politics, home affairs, civic issues or public transport, Sudhir Dar’s cartoons continue to regale us with their tongue-in-cheek humour.

You may enjoy these as well:

01 Strike and Lift

02 Car pools

03 Bus drivers

04 Old vehicles

05 Thieves

06 Men

07 Board meetingsDenizens of Delhi would surely relate to these works of art better. But the underlying messages happen to be global in nature.

The likes of Sudhir Dar, R K Laxman, Mario Miranda and Shankar have always managed to keep us amused with their timely and witty cartoons. But for them, and but for authors like P G Wodehouse, our lives would be so very dull and dreary.

(Source: The Best of Sudhir Dar, Penguin Books)

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/05/25/this-is-it-part-1

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/the-inimitable-r-k-laxman

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/the-inimitable-r-k-laxman-2-0)

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Dear All,

As an Executive Secretary of the Animal Division of the International League of Happiness, I hereby appeal to all of you, especially sociologists, linguists, litterateurs, politicos and legal luminaries amongst you, to quickly evolve a purely vegan code of conduct for the usage of English and also to push through some judicial reforms, thereby facilitating happiness in the animal world.

Several species of animals are miffed at direct as well as indirect references to the members of their respective tribes, often in a derogatory manner. They believe that the tendency of Homo sapiens to use references to animals of any kind is to be curbed. They also plead for some legal reforms to be pushed through.

Some of the species which have already registered a protest with us are as follows:

  • Potato Chip, the famous race horse, takes a jaundiced view of the fact that politicians in several countries indulge in what is euphemistically referred to as ‘horse trading.’ He says he has no rights to demand a stoppage of such behaviour on part of our politicos, but would like the allusion to his breed in the said term avoided.
  • Wilfred, the alligator, is unhappy that the simple act of expressing pseudo-sadness is often referred to as someone ‘shedding crocodile tears.’
  • Bartholomew, the well-known canine in the service of Stiffy Byng, is not amused that top honchos in management are often referred to as ‘top dogs.’ What makes him even sadder is the use of the phrase ‘barking up the wrong tree’, which, he feels, makes light of the kind of sterling service his species renders to human beings, alerting them of imminent dangers and even saving their lives at times.
  • Augustus, the cat, takes a strong exception to the fact that junior employees across companies often use an expression which refers to her species as a tough and terrorizing boss in our democratic times. To say that ‘when the cat is away, the mice will play’ reflects a Theory X mindset, whereas human beings should be worrying about popularizing the Theory Y mindset instead.

  • The Empress of Blandings threatens to refuse her daily feed till the time the expression ‘bringing home the bacon’ gets obliterated from everyday use. Lord Emsworth is deeply disturbed about this unforeseen development, especially because the next local Shropshire Agricultural Show is not too far off. Queen of Matchingham, the prize sow of Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe, heartily seconds the notion of adopting such a non-violent protest, following in the footsteps of Mahatma Gandhi.
  • Aunt Elizabeth, the hen with a much dreaded foul temper, has registered a strong protest against the use of the phrase ‘don’t put all your eggs in the same basket.’ If finance experts continue with this practice, she demands a share of the returns earned thus. Use of the term ‘hen pecked’ is also improper.She is of the view that meek and submissive husbands are more to be pitied than to be censured in such a manner.
  • Bovines point out several aberrations in the language used by human beings. (a) ‘A man’s meat could be another’s poison’ is a phrase which is objected to by all bovines. (b) Members of this species take a jaundiced view of the concept of ‘the milk of human kindness.’ They feel that the time is now ripe for human beings to openly acknowledge the benevolent kindness they, the bovines, show towards them, the humans. Keeping their calves starved while providing copious supplies of milk for human consumption is not their idea of fun in life. (c) Nor is it pleasant to know that one is being reared only to be slaughtered one of these days, when their Guardian Angels happen to be on a vacation. (d) Business magnates who label some of their verticals as ‘cash cows’ could soon find bovine herds protesting at their doorsteps with loud moos and a substantial deposit of excreta on their otherwise sparkling premises.
  • Bill the Parrot takes a satirical view of the expression ‘birds of a feather flock together.’ He is also consulting legal experts to find out what steps he can initiate against Twitter which clearly infringes on the rights of all avian tribes.
  • Members of the piscine species are upset about the usage of the term ‘fishy business.’ They also feel that they have not been given due credit for the supreme sacrifice made by one of their own in getting a matrimonial alliance between Bertie Wooster and Honoria Glossop scratched. After all, getting gobbled up by as many as 23 cats is not their idea of fun in life. Rupert Psmith, the Secretary General of the International League of Happiness, who despises anything related to fish, strongly urges all of you to cease and desist from using this term.

  • Bears and bulls look askance at being used as motifs for collective human behaviour in the stock markets.
  • Peter the snake is surely not enamoured of ladders but is surprised that a popular game of humans uses its name without prior authorization. If prompt steps are not taken through the right channels, a suit of infringement of copyrights could soon be on its way. A win in such litigation might leave the reptile hissing gleefully all the way to its bank.
  • Percy and Edgar, representing the tribe of swans of all sizes and shapes, whether angry or otherwise, are upset with the expression ‘cooking each others’ goose’, which, they feel, projects their brethren in a poor light. Right Honourable A B Filmer and many others could soon face another backlash. All of them are hereby advised to plan their boating trips accordingly. Moreover, they are of the considered opinion that the use of the term ‘duck’ in some sporting activity lowers their dignity, since it signifies a nil score.
  • Newts are none too pleased at the prospect of humans with negligible intelligence being addresses thus. Their pride is hurt. ‘Pissed like a newt’ is another rude expression which hurts them deeply. They are not clear as to why they should take the rap for persons losing control over their own gulping down of tissue restoratives in bulk.
  • Eustace the monkey is of the considered view that what his genetic successors refer to as ‘monkey business’ is a perfectly legitimate activity not to be sneered at. A delegation of his tribe is soon planning to get a legal notice issued to Homo sapiens, asking them to stop using such derogatory references to a species which ranks pretty high up in its IQ rankings.
  • The tribe of worms and caterpillars, adept at popping up in salad bowls and thereby meriting a sullen and reproachful look from the person on the table, is up in arms at one of their bluish limbless amphibian members being recently christened as Dermophis Donaldtrumpi. Most of these distant cousins happen to be blind to subtle shades of life and can merely make out the difference between light and dark. Also, they prefer to remain underground. But for them to be labelled after a President who downplays climate change and its ecological impact is a cause of serious concern. They believe that a reference of this kind is against their public relations policy. Moreover, anything that threatens the availability of green leafy vegetables and lettuce which they love nibbling in the company of their loved ones does not meet with their approval. They also detest crawling out of their dens early in the day, only to be devoured by an early bird.
  • Lions happen to be somewhat depressed these days. They feel that they are never allowed to tell their side of the story whereas hunters, who have not ended up garnering an obituary column, often keep walking away with all the glory. As advised by Wadswordth Hemmingway, the lawyer turned golfer, they have already filed a petition in the International Court of Justice, requesting that Principles of Natural Justice be followed.

Your kind support to quickly evolve a vegan variety of English is earnestly solicited. Linguists of other tongues may also follow suit and rid their respective languages of all idioms which have a link to the animal kingdom. It would be highly appreciated by all animal rights organizations across our planet. Appropriate legal reforms also need to be pushed through.

Such verbal and judicial weeding out would contribute towards our cause of ensuring a greater level of happiness in the animal kingdom.

With a cheery pip pip!

Madeline Bassett

Deputy Secretary – Environment

International League of Happiness

 

Note:

Iconic former French film star and the Brand Ambassador of our Animal Division, Brigitte Bardot, has already asked President Emmanuel Macron for a Christmas “miracle”, with closed circuit TV in abattoirs and a curb to hunting.

(Another post in the same vein: 

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/an-ass-ass-erts-itself)

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