Pondicherry and the art of doing nothing

ashokbhatia

Just in case you ever feel that you have evolved into a headless chicken and have ended becoming a zombie chasing deadlines and goals with not even time to breathe, try coming over to Pondicherry.

For many of us, our lives are so much filled with stimuli, not to speak of the onerous responsibilities we carry on our slender shoulders. It is not possible for us to sit still and do nothing, much less relax, even for a few minutes. We have no time for meditation. Nor do we have time for some simple yoga exercises. We are always doing something or the other. How proud we feel in telling someone that we do not have time for this or that. Our fragile ego gets a much-needed boost. In place of being ‘human beings’, we have become ‘human doings’.

Often, relatives from distant parts of the world call up to…

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Silent Symphony

FictionPur

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Ranveer Singhania, the tall debonair steel-grey eyed heir to Delhi-based Singhania Empire, had thought that her cheerful vibrant personality, her uninhibited laughter and easy going nature would balance out his serious and colorless life. That she would be the best life partner for him. He had felt it in his heart that making this chirpy and full of life girl his wife will be the best decision of his life. She had caught his attention from the day she had stepped into his life like an innocent cute deer, prancing through life without any worries. She was the only one who made him smile with her non-stop chattering, and make him laugh at her antics. Her huge doe shaped eyes were filled with warmth. And her beautiful smile could warm up any one’s heart. She was one of a kind and she was the one for him. Or so he thought.

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Jeeves seeks a placement

ashokbhatia

The Honourable Secretary-General,

The United Nations,

New York City,

New York,

USA.

Respected Sir,

You may recall our brief interaction at the recent launch event of the International League of Happiness. You were then kind enough to spare a few moments of your precious time, graciously appreciating my talk there on preventing the misuse of Artificial Intelligence, just after releasing the Blandings Declaration of Happiness as a part of the proceedings.

As a concerned citizen of this planet of ours, allow me to offer my humble services for the cause of promoting international cooperation and maintaining international order.

Yours truly has an impeccable record in delivering satisfaction to all the employers one has been fortunate enough to assist so far in a long and spotless career. The aspiration hereafter is to offer my unique problem solving abilities for the benefit of all the denizens of this planet.

Permit me…

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Different Hues of Happiness

Quite a few CEOs, when they wake up the day after having secured a crucial business deal, experience a sense of calm happiness within. The flowers are in full bloom, the sun shines with due benevolence, the birds and the bees hop around doing what Mother Nature has ordained them to do, God is in heaven and all appears to be fine with the world.

If they happen to be at a resort with a fresh water lake nearby, they prefer to splash about a bit and invigorate themselves. While taking a leisurely swim, they even start exercising their vocal chords, belting out a favourite song of theirs, generating in the process an off-tune gruesome sound which is calculated to startle the stoutest. Two bees, buzzing among the roses, stop as one bee and look at each other with raised eyebrows. Snails withdraw into their shells. A squirrel practicing for her athletic performance in the upcoming Olympics on a nearby tree nearly falls off its branch. A deer roaming around in the bushes nearby, its reverie disrupted, decides to scoot off to a quieter location. But such CEOs, blissfully unaware of the confusion being caused in the animal kingdom by virtue of their expression of inner bliss, persevere in their endeavours.

Bhagavad Gita speaks of three kinds of happiness – the Sattvic (Pure) kind, the Rajasic (Passionate) kind, and the Tamasic (Dull) kind.

Sattvic: The unalloyed bliss of happiness

The happiness that a CEO experiences when she has executed a business plan successfully, or has convinced the board of directors of the merits of an acquisition proposal, would be that of the pure kind. A path-breaking approach has been taken. Her vision, courage and conviction are easily visible. Much hard work and effort has gone into the work accomplished. Details have been examined with a fine tooth comb. While working on such plans, the proverbial midnight oil has been burnt. Some personal sacrifices have been made. Initial pain and difficulties have been suffered and overcome. A combination of the hard work put in, the self-control exercised in the process, and the resultant sense of self-perfection leads to this kind of happiness.

When we use the term Peace, this is indeed the kind of happiness we refer to.

यत्तदग्रे विषमिव परिणामेऽमृतोपमम् |
तत्सुखं सात्विकं प्रोक्तमात्मबुद्धिप्रसादजम् || 18.37||

That which seems like poison at first, but tastes like nectar in the end, is said to be happiness in the mode of goodness. It is generated by the pure intellect that is situated in self-knowledge.

For those of you who have come across the movie Invictus, the visionary leadership of Nelson Mandela comes across very clearly. He blunts the edge of apartheid by using the game of rugby to unite his populace, when they cheer Springboks, the team of the South African Rugby Union, to a victory in the 1995 Rugby World Cup.

The title of the movie could be translated from Latin to mean ‘unconquered’. Here is the poem bearing the same title:

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

 

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

 

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

 

(William Ernest Henley)

 One can well imagine the kind of unalloyed happiness experienced by those at the helm of affairs in a challenging situation of that kind.

Many CEOs keep fighting the battle of the abdominal bulge. When they take their doctor’s advice seriously and start either jogging or brisk walking, the initial pain and resistance from within act as a deterrent. However, once a habit gets formed, they enjoy better health and happiness.

Rajasic: The mundane shade of happiness

The passionate kind of happiness gets experienced when her ambition of a C-suite gets fulfilled. Or, when she gets a reserved parking slot earmarked for her vehicle. Or, even when the security guard and the liftman salute her upon entry to her fiefdom. Power, pelf and prestige present a package which gives rise to a fleeting sense of happiness in her bosom. But beneath the happiness is a layer of anxiety, because none of these can be taken for granted. In fact, the risk of her developing a queen-size ego and believing that she is omnipotent is pretty high. A major setback in career could just be around the corner, sneaking up and striking her with the stuffed eel-skin of business life.

विषयेन्द्रियसंयोगाद्यत्तदग्रेऽमृतोपमम् |
परिणामे विषमिव तत्सुखं राजसं स्मृतम् || 38||

Happiness is said to be in the mode of passion when it is derived from the contact of the senses with their objects. Such happiness is like nectar at first but poison at the end.

Indira Nooyi, ex-President of PepsiCo, says:

‘Just because you are CEO, don’t think you have landed. You must continually increase your learning, the way you think, and the way you approach the organization.’

 

Tamasic: Happiness which leads to a fall from grace

The dull kind is one which is based entirely on the gratification of senses. Lord Krishna points out three specific causes which result in a happiness of this kind:

1. When emotional and mental sleep leads to one not being able to understand the reality, or one trudges through life without a clear goal in life;
2. A state of inertia of the intellect when one decides to let others govern one’s life, or allows one’s instincts and impulses to govern her decisions and approach to problem solving.
3. Ignoring the ‘inner voice’, one perfects the art of heedlessness and often gets into an adventurous mode, indulging in sensory gratification, eventually leading to a spectacular downfall.

यदग्रे चानुबन्धे च सुखं मोहनमात्मन: |
निद्रालस्यप्रमादोत्थं तत्तामसमुदाहृतम् || 39||

That happiness which covers the nature of the self from beginning to end, and which is derived from sleep, indolence, and negligence, is said to be in the mode of ignorance.

Ask Martin Winterkorn, the former chairman of the board of directors of Volkswagen AG, who put in his papers during September 2015, several days after the infamous emissions cheating scandal came up. He also resigned as chairman of Audi on 11 November 2015, after further information associated with the scandal was revealed in regard to VW’s gasoline-powered engines. He was criminally indicted over the emissions cheating scandal in the USA on May 3, 2018 on charges of fraud and conspiracy. In April 2019, he was criminally indicted on charges of fraud in Germany. His is a clear case for the kind of transient happiness CEOs should not aim for.

A wise CEO who happens to be aware of different hues of happiness would manage the wild horses of her desires, her egoistic tendencies and her anger and resentments in such a manner as to truly aim for the Sattvic variety of happiness. In other words, do a great job and experience the inner glow of contentment.

Peter Drucker is also of the opinion that happiness is irrelevant in the management context:

‘Never mind your happiness; do your duty.’

 

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2018/12/05/looking-for-a-ceo-who-is-peaceful-and-happy

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/07/02/a-quest-for-true-happiness)

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Looking for a CEO who is peaceful and happy?

 

What kind of desires would be found on the bucket list of a CEO? Perhaps due recognition, more power and pelf, special privileges, a fat expense account, rapid growth, ESOPs, a loyal and committed team comprising persons who happen to be competent in areas where she herself may be weaker, executing her business plans more effectively and efficiently, and the like.

In general, the Happiness Quotient of any professional could possibly be defined as follows: 

 HQ = [ { FD (t) / AD (t) } * f (IR, IG)]

Where HQ is Happiness Quotient, FD (t) is the number of fulfilled desires at a given point in time, AD (t) represents the sum total of all her desires at the same point in time. The notation f (IR, IG) suggests that HQ is directly proportional to her Inner Resilience and the Inner Glow of satisfaction she feels when a job is well done. A happier CEO could often be spotted in the recreation room, perfecting her aim at throwing darts!

It also follows that one’s level of happiness could be improved upon merely by enlarging the scope of FD; or, by reducing the spread of AD.

The former is a Western proposition, leading to crass commercialism. A heavy dose of advertising and public relations keeps the inner fires of desires burning brighter with each passing year, making it the classic case of our chasing an elusive rainbow in a desert. Corporates keep stoking these embers of desire and we keep falling prey to the same at regular intervals.

The latter proposition happens to be an Eastern construct. By keeping a check on one’s desires, one can attain a state of happiness. This calls for an inner awakening and a realization that one needs to outgrow one’s sensual gratification and consciously shepherd oneself to use one’s intellect and restrict the spread of desires one has. Or, to focus on desires which are either aligned with the values of the organization or which happen to be our needs.

Western experts had originally recommended Command and Control as a means to generate wealth and had gone on to imply that stark materialism is the way to seek peace and happiness. However, the Eastern approach is based on an inward blossoming, an inner growth and development which holds an inner glow of success superior to sensual gratification of an external nature. By proactively adopting a Conscious Capitalism approach, several businesses have already recognized the truth that they have a greater purpose, much beyond delivering value to their own stakeholders.

Conscious businesses have trusting, authentic, innovative and caring cultures that make working there a source of both personal growth and professional fulfilment. They endeavour to create financial, intellectual, social, cultural, emotional, spiritual, physical and ecological wealth for all their stakeholders.

An inward blossoming

Bhagavad Gita gives us a clue to be happy, and also to create happier working places. Consider this verse:

यदा संहरते चायं कूर्मोऽङ्गानीव सर्वश: |
इन्द्रियाणीन्द्रियार्थेभ्यस्तस्य प्रज्ञा प्रतिष्ठिता ||2.58||

One who is able to withdraw the senses from their objects, just as a tortoise withdraws its limbs into its shell, is established in steady wisdom.

What is being recommended here is not a suppression of desires but a voluntary renunciation of those desires which take us on a path of sensuous gratification, sans a higher purpose in our life and career.

In fact, this takes us back to the idea of living in the present; also, a ‘We and Us’ approach to problem solving than an ‘I and Me’ one.

In Robin S. Sharma’s famous book ‘The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari’, Julian says that goals and dreams for the future are very essential elements in every truly successful life. But he advises never to put off happiness for the sake of achievement; never to put off the things that are important for your well-being and satisfaction to a later time. ‘Today is the day to live fully…..never put off living!’ he says.

Bhagavad Gita reinforces this message as follows:

रागद्वेषवियुक्तैस्तु विषयानिन्द्रियैश्चरन् |
आत्मवश्यैर्विधेयात्मा प्रसादमधिगच्छति ||2.64||

But one who controls the mind, and is free from attachment and aversion, even while using the objects of the senses, attains peace.

A CEO who exercises self-control would eventually experience a sense of inner peace. She would patiently hear out a voice of dissent and use the feedback judiciously. She would see something positive happening and share it with others, without getting attached to it. She would smell a coup in the making and take appropriate steps to defuse the situation in an objective manner. She would praise in public but reprimand in private. She would taste either the sweetness of a resounding success or the sourness of a colossal failure but would neither become complacent nor reach a stage of despondence thereafter. She would sit back and redraw her business plans and put them in motion.

Some manifestations of Self-control

One manifestation of self-control would be the need to accord an equitable and honourable treatment to women at the work place. Just like a cashier who is caught with his hand in the till, often we find some powerful male executives wrecking the careers and lives of relatively vulnerable female team members. If this had indeed been the case, the recent #MeToo campaign would not have gained much currency.

Hormones are surely more powerful than hierarchy. But when such incidents happen and the managements decide to look the other way, or decide to be opaque about handling such issues, they end up causing severe damage to their brand equity.

On the contrary, when business houses like Tatas are majority-owned by trusts which do pioneering philanthropic work for the society, the money with them is truly held in trust, in the true spirit of detachment.

Consider this verse from the Bhagavad Gita:

विहाय कामान्य: सर्वान्पुमांश्चरति नि:स्पृह: |
निर्ममो निरहङ्कार: स शान्तिमधिगच्छति ||2.71||

That person, who gives up all material desires and lives free from a sense of greed, proprietorship, and egoism, attains perfect peace.

Creating happier working places

What with the advent of Industrial Revolution 4.0, many HR honchos these days can be found to be twiddling their thumbs, trying to figure out how to create happier working places even while maintaining a sense of discipline, decorum and decency. Happier people make organizations thrive and prosper.

Dr. Noelle Nelson, in her book ‘Make More Money by Making Your Employees Happy’, explains how progressive employers try to understand the pain points of their employees and then try to address the same. One of the several examples she quotes is that of when Paul O’Neil who took over the reins of ALCOA in 1987, the world’s leading producer of aluminium; O’Neil announced that his sole priority was to increase worker safety. This came as a shock to the company’s directors. O’Neil understood, however, that safety was a major concern for his workers. Over the next 13 years, employee productivity soared as accident rates decreased from roughly one per week per plant to some plants going years without an accident. When O’Neil stepped away just over a decade later, ALCOA’s annual income had grown 500%!

Being happy is possible when one is at peace with oneself and others. Attaining a state of harmony is imperative. Managements need to enable this. They need to provide the necessary tools to their people so as to facilitate an inner sense of peace and happiness.

What makes Starbucks a good employer? Perhaps, one of the factors which contributes towards its people being happy is the kind of training they receive to handle angry and unreasonable customers. This takes the negativity away from a potentially stressful situation, leaving space for a sense of peace and happiness to prevail within the front line staff.

People in organizations do not always look for more monetary rewards. They seek recognition. They relish a sense of fulfilment arising out of their contribution towards a greater goal. They value positive relationships with other team members. Harmony, peace and happiness comprise their inner goal.

(Related Post:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2018/05/03/from-an-i-and-me-approach-to-a-we-and-us-one)

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A Quest for True Happiness

ashokbhatia

We are like grains of sand

On a beach sunlit by brilliant rays of hope;

Repeatedly we get swept back by strong relentless waves

Of our own wishes and desires,

Leaving us in torment at times, unable to cope.

They keep coming one after the other

Keeping us tied to our senses;

Distracting us from the true purpose of life,

Always wanting more and more,

Vulnerable, never able to mend our fences.

Fulfilment of one does not always mean

Growing out of it;

Instead, the intensity could get multiplied,

Leaving us with a poor self-perception

And an inner state lacking happiness, dark and poorly lit.

Often we wonder if there is a way

To become like a hard rock;

Having an inner resilience

Bouncing back the waves which keep splashing against us,

Receiving cravings and desires which we can simply mock.

Let them break on our external crust

And return…

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Pondicherry and the art of doing nothing

Just in case you ever feel that you have evolved into a headless chicken and have ended becoming a zombie chasing deadlines and goals with not even time to breathe, try coming over to Pondicherry.

For many of us, our lives are so much filled with stimuli, not to speak of the onerous responsibilities we carry on our slender shoulders. It is not possible for us to sit still and do nothing, much less relax, even for a few minutes. We have no time for meditation. Nor do we have time for some simple yoga exercises. We are always doing something or the other. How proud we feel in telling someone that we do not have time for this or that. Our fragile ego gets a much-needed boost. In place of being ‘human beings’, we have become ‘human doings’.

Often, relatives from distant parts of the world call up to check as to what they can do if and when they land up in Pondicherry. When they are told that the beauty of Pondicherry lies in the fact that they have the option of doing nothing here, one can either hear an astonished gasp or just suffer a long silence over the phone.

There are times when life becomes too exciting and one yearns to get a wee bit bored. The good news is that a brief spell of boredom does lead to a feeling of inner peace. And once we get used to it, with little practice, we could learn to really relax. Then we start enjoying our chance to have a real conversation with ourselves. We ask ourselves where our lives are really headed. We wonder as to what our goal in life is, and whether we are really working towards that or have we got trapped in the quicksand of our materialistic ambitions. The payback is tremendous.

Most of the times, our anxiety and inner struggle happen to be a product of a restless mind which is forever looking for some diversion, as if it is afraid to allow us to be calm and be with ourselves.

While rushing to office, we are wondering if we shall make it for that crucial meeting on time. When we enter the conference room, we are anxious as to which colleagues would be puncturing holes in our image by raising some obnoxious concerns. At lunch time, we shall be worrying about the maid who might be stealing something from the bedroom cupboard at home. Every ten minutes, we shall check our messages or mails, just in case that critical one we had sent to the big boss the other day has elicited any response.

By evening, we are a bundle of frayed nerves. Upon reaching home, we shove some morsels down the hatch so as to keep our body and soul together. Some phone calls get made. Then we slouch in front of the idiot box and try to improve our track record of being a couch potato. The day ends. The next one begins. The cycle gets repeated ad nauseam. We end up becoming a zombie.

You can be said to have attained the exalted state of zombie-ness when you go through the motions of life in a lifeless manner; when you have surrendered your free will to your guardian angels, who have been allowed to take decisions for and on your behalf; and, when instructions received from the boss during your working hours make you spend sleepless nights in the comfort of your bed.

The beauty of doing nothing is that it teaches us to clear our mind and relax. When the mind is rested and stilled, it becomes sharper and stronger. It becomes more focused. Creative juices start flowing freely.

The art of nothingness does not make sense logically. But when practised, it propels us on the path of spirituality. The resulting bliss is something to be personally experienced.

Let all this not scare you off. Pondicherry has a lot on offer – sea breeze, exotic food, tissue restoratives which lift your spirits temporarily, cultural events, book launches, off-beat movies, dance classes, horse riding, scuba diving, heritage walks…….the list goes on. But if you simply wish to give your life a break, it is the place you would do well to head to!

 

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Jeeves seeks a placement

The Honourable Secretary-General,

The United Nations,

New York City,

New York,

USA.

Respected Sir,

You may recall our brief interaction at the recent launch event of the International League of Happiness. You were then kind enough to spare a few moments of your precious time, graciously appreciating my talk there on preventing the misuse of Artificial Intelligence, just after releasing the Blandings Declaration of Happiness as a part of the proceedings.

As a concerned citizen of this planet of ours, allow me to offer my humble services for the cause of promoting international cooperation and maintaining international order.

Yours truly has an impeccable record in delivering satisfaction to all the employers one has been fortunate enough to assist so far in a long and spotless career. The aspiration hereafter is to offer my unique problem solving abilities for the benefit of all the denizens of this planet.

Permit me, sir, to present my credentials in brief:

Jeeves, Reginald, only son of the late Basil Jeeves, M. A., B. Ph., Oxford and London, and late Daisy Wiggins;

Family: Unmarried, no encumbrances;

Education: Privately;

Career graph:

Have been in service to the following:

• Esmond Haddock, Deverill Hall, King’s Deverill;
• Dame Daphne Winkworth, Picklerod Academy for Young Ladies;
• Percival Craye, 3^rd Earl of Worplesdon, Worpley Maltravers;
• The Hon. Digby Thistleton, 1^st Baron Bridgeworth, Mayfair;
• Nigel Strickland Davenant Rokely Fox-Medlicott, 5^th Baron Brancaster Tittleridge;
• Lord Frederick Ranelagh, Monte Carlo;
• Montegue Todd;
• Bertram Wilberforce Wooster (later 8^th Earl of Yaxley), Mayfair (later Wooster Castle);
• William Egerton Bamfylde Ossingham Belfry, 9^th Earl of Rowcester, Rowcester Abbey.

Present occupation: Landlord, Angler’s Rest.

Specially appreciated for: Problem solving based on the psychology of the individuals concerned (even if it amounts to breaking a few eggs to make an omelet), Whipping up concoctions which could lift the sagging spirits of my lords and masters, Facilitating the creation of a positive image of even those who might otherwise be considered mentally negligible, Enabling harmony between disharmonious members of any group, Quick grasp of tricky situations and providing satisfaction to all stakeholders, Communication, Literary and scientific knowledge, Game Theory, Estate management and Sartorial matters.

Career objective:

• To deliver satisfaction to the needy in all parts of the world; to utilize my unique skills in assisting you in the mighty task of promoting international cooperation and maintaining international order;
• Open to being adviser to a head of state, preferably that of either a developed country or an emerging economy, on matters of international relations, sartorial protocol, management of coalition partners and parliamentary affairs.

General information:

Appeared in two films, Little Lord Fauntleroy and The Vampire of Vitriola, (Perfecto Zizzbaum);

Life member Junior Ganymede Club;

Honorary Deputy Secretary General, International League of Happiness;

Address: Angler’s Rest, Market Blandings, Wooster Estate, UK.

Testimonials and References:

Shall be happy to provide the same, as and when directed to do so.

To the best of my knowledge and belief, the esteemed organization under your wings faces mighty challenges in our turbulent times: Nuclear perils, terrorism, conflict resolution, continued violation of humanitarian laws, climate change, rise of protectionism, unemployment, income and wealth disparities, cyberspace warfare, and the like.

My humble skills have so far got utilized only by the rich and the lazy. Going ahead, it shall be my endeavour to assist someone of your stature in resolving problems which afflict humanity in general.

My advance gratitude for your kind attention and time,

Yours faithfully,

Reginald Jeeves

(Note: Personal and career details of Jeeves courtesy  ‘Jeeves: A Gentleman’s Personal Gentleman’ (ISBN 0-312-44144-4), a book by C. Northcote Parkinson.)

(Related Posts: 

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/a-brand-called-jeeves

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/10/12/an-invitation-from-the-international-league-of-happiness)

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An invitation from the International League of Happiness

Residents of Plumsville are hereby invited to the maiden plenary meeting of the newly launched International League of Happiness (ILH).

The meeting shall be held at the lawns of Blandings Castle on October 15, 2017, starting at 1700 hours GMT.

 

Inaugural Address

“Saving the world from the nuclear peril it faces”

Mr Rupert Psmith, Secretary General

Keynote Address

“Can Dictatorship be used as a means to end terror?”

Mr Roderick Spode, Deputy Secretary – Terror and Covert Intelligence

Special Address

“Unresolved conflicts and violation of humanitarian laws: Some goofy techniques never used before”

Ms Roberta Wickham, Honorary Secretary – Human Conflicts, Founder Director – Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies

Other talks

“Countering Climate Change by star gazing”

Ms Madeline Bassett, Deputy Secretary – Environment

“Addressing the challenge of growing inequality by boosting the confidence of the underprivileged”

Ms Joan Valentine, Deputy Secretary – Income Disparities

“Hacking the hackers: A war on cyber warfare”

Mr Rupert Baxter, Deputy Secretary – Cyber Crimes

“Eradicating unemployment, promoting start-ups”

Ms Sally Nicholas, Secretary – Entrepreneurship

“Using human intelligence to prevent misuse of Artificial Intelligence”

Mr Reginald Jeeves, Deputy Secretary General, ILH.

Release of the Blandings Declaration of Happiness

Lord Emsworth, Chief Patron, ILH

Inauguration of Exhibition of products developed by the Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies (RAGT)

Sir Roderick Glossop, Director General, RAGT

1. Laser-guided Needles usable for puncturing hot water bottles of politicians who misbehave in international affairs. These guarantee deadly precision, with minimal risk of exposure to the fleshy parts of the target person at the receiving end.
2. Infra-red Incinerators which allow one to burn offending scripts and memoirs at the push of a button. No smoke is emitted, thereby allowing complete secrecy even within confined spaces.
3. Magnetic Props which are highly effective in pinching policemen helmets. Field tests have demonstrated a high rate of success even for novice clergymen who might be out to pinch such objects merely to please their current heart-throbs.
4. Machines which automatically produce 3-D versions of butter slides. These are found very useful by step-sons who have been refused protection money by their would-be step-fathers.
5. Adhesives of an advanced nature, which allow party of the one part to affix and remove with much ease fungus of any colour from the visage of the party of the other part.
6. Software which develops and delivers juicy speeches of all kinds to large gatherings of giggling and staring school girls and boys, thereby simplifying life for all those who are left all of a twitter when invited to address the wards under the charge of such illustrious lion-tamers as Rev. Aubrey Upjohn and Miss Tomlinson.
7. Advanced e-learning kits which enable enthusiasts to learn to play such musical instruments as banjeoles. By using blue-tooth technology, such kits enable one to practice without disturbing one’s neighbours.
8. Artificial Intelligence enabled gentlemen of gentlemen, duly configured with a Jeeves Service Package. These are extremely popular as wedding gifts which the brides-to-be accept with much glee, enabling them to show the door to the real Jeeves in their would-be husbands’ lives in the post-nuptial phase.
9. Silver Detectors which can be used by enterprising aunts to locate and steal cow creamers and such other collectibles from castles of rivals. Smart nephews who do not wish to lose the privilege of feasting on Anatole’s delectable spreads use such contraptions to keep their aunts in good humour.
10. Calorie Counters specifically designed to monitor the feeding pattern of the Empress of Blandings. These enable her to keep winning the top slot at international level sow competitions.
11. Advanced Algorithms capable of accurately forecasting the results of all kinds of speculative sports. Bingo Littles of the world are thus enabled to keep the dove of matrimonial bliss flapping above their humble abodes at minimal costs.
12. Aniseed Perfumes specifically developed for those who specialize in stealing detective dogs from the enemy camp in a peaceful and non-violent manner.
13. Electronic Stunners which can be used for inducing temporary disability amongst cops who might be chasing well-meaning persons out to serve the delicately nurtured members of the society.
14. Digestive Capsules designed to eliminate any problems of the lining of the stomach amongst those who are routinely taken in by the pleasures of the table and do not believe in the efficacy of Larsen Exercises popularized by Ashe Marson.
15. Anti-aunt Apps designed to smartly block communications from obnoxious aunts when they refuse to be gentlemen.
16. Spider Footwear which make it easy to slide down pipes to escape the fury of aunts who insist on having a word with their nephews who are in no mood to face the firing squad.
17. Body Scanners which can enable a member of the delicately nurtured tribe to ascertain the Chivalry Quotient of a matrimonial aspirant.
18. Mental Imagers which can check the Pumpkin Quotient of a person.
19. Cat Detectors which bleep when a bunch of feline characters are in the vicinity.
20. Powder of Milk of Human Kindness, duly certified by FAO.

 

Vote of thanks

Mr Gussie Fink Nottle – Deputy Secretary – Love, flora and fauna

High Tea by Anatole

 

 

Note:

The International League of Happiness is a not-for-profit organization where:

-Destructive propaganda of any kind is sneered at

-Global interests are accorded higher priority than narrow national/regional interests

-Healthy discussion is encouraged but indifference to, or defiance of, its collective resolutions is discouraged

(Limited seats. Please register without delay at http://www.ilh.com.)

(Related Post:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/07/30/the-epidemic-of-wodehousitis)

 

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Wanted : Smart and Tech-savvy Elves for Santa

ashokbhatia

Santa Inc is an undisputed leader in the Happiness Industry, committed to spreading cheer and hearty laughter all over the universe. With its headquarters at Island-222 on Kepler-22b, its top-line boasts of zillions of smiles and cheer all over.

With operations slated to increase at an annual compounded growth rate of 30%, it is on the look out for smart and tech-savvy elves who would be:

• Able to demonstrate hi-tech toys and gizmos like smart phones, i-Pads, apps of all kinds, notebooks and fablets to the current generation of tiny tots.
• Would assist Santa Claus in motivating kids to exchange their previous years’ gizmos with more conventional toys like dolls, train sets, racing cars, bikes and board games like Ludo, Snakes and Ladders, etc., thereby reviving their interest in traditional means of entertainment.
• Elves who charm TV and internet-addicted bleary-eyed kids into playing more of outdoor games and can wean…

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