Netizens who have made the cardinal error of following me on any social network could be forgiven for imagining me as a dashing speaker, blogger and author.
Not a Jeeves in the realm of Management
Snapshots, videos and blog posts would inevitably depict me as a management expert dishing out sage advice with an impish sparkle in the eyes, often misconstrued as indicating supreme intelligence. Seasoned observers would notice a receding hairline and imagine me to be an intellectual cove. Perhaps a head bulging out at the back, much like that of Jeeves, would lead many amongst my followers to conclude that I would have minted millions by this time, squeezing the last penny out of some Bertie-like super rich but mentally negligible bosses I would have assisted in a long career.
Well, nothing could be further from the truth. Those who wish to dig deeper into the subject of who I am would be startled to find that the responsibility of depicting yours truly in such a flattering manner falls squarely on the illusory sophistication and the veneer of respectability a lesser mortal gets imbued with, when behind the façade of social media.
An error of judgement
Fondly known as ‘AKB’ to my friends and colleagues, I am a management graduate of what I would prefer to describe as the pre-Jurassic period of management education. Delhi University is to be squarely blamed for dishing out a post-graduate degree to me in Physics, way back in 1974. The University Business School at Panjab University, Chandigarh, also appears to have made a singular error of judgement in awarding me a MBA degree in 1976.
Professors who had the misfortune of educating me came in several sizes and shapes. The brilliant ones could never come to terms with the singular absence of common sense in my thought processes. The mediocre ones had no other option but to feel frustrated at not being able to detain me at any level of my educational ladder. The poor ones were so indifferent that I often landed up studying the subject myself, thereby gaining more interest in those subjects.
An expert at Mismanagement
If an expert in the field of management were to put my escapades under the microscope of academic rigour, she could be condoned for recommending my appointment as a Dean of a School of Mismanagement at an Ivy League institute of international repute.
The fact remains that several top corporates in India and abroad have had to bear with my unique style of mismanagement for over thirty-five years. The ones which have suffered in particular are such companies as Tata International, Hidesign, and HCL.
My entrepreneurial endeavours in the realm of market research and HR have left many of my had-been-clients shaken but not stirred. A benevolent client once rued how happy his company had been if I had done my own market research better and if only they had not availed of my (dis)services.
A number of start-ups have seen me in the stellar role of a promoter-director. Records would show that many of these sank without a trace. I was blessed with a flair for visualizing lofty goals. I always attempted flawless planning and backed it up with miserable execution. My lack of attention to detail often left my customers exasperated.
From delegation to abdication
While in a career, I always followed the policy of focusing on the peripheral targets, whereas my team members took care of the Key Result Areas. With me, the art of delegation often evolved into sheer abdication. Needless to say, companies were often happy to see me packing my bags and leaving.
My travels have taken me far and wide, but those who know me well are still not too sure if I have yet understood the work culture and ethics of different countries and continents.
I do believe I attract people with my positive vibrations, but I have played no role in the recent confirmation of the existence of gravitational waves by physicists. I might sound like a global manager, but have not been successful in cross-cultural validation of any of the management theories and concepts.
The perils of those who receive my services
Having hung my boots in the corporate world, I am now working with some NGOs in the field of Management and Spirituality. One can only wish these outfits well.
I am aware that I happen to be an active blogger whose tardy progress in the blogosphere is being watched with little interest by any of my occasional followers.
Yes, I am passionate about movies. Many movie directors are delighted at not having been approached by me with any script of a likely blockbuster. This way, their careers are not likely to go bust any time soon.
Of ‘Wodehousitis’ and ‘Professoritis’
I am happy to be suffering from “Wodehousitis” and “Professoritis” and do not seek any cure for these ailments. A scholastic attitude and a habit of “keeping my saw sharpened” have made several University departments and educational institutes invite me for sporadic guest lectures, only to repent later.
CEO World in Portugal has recently made the mistake of making me an Editor-in-Chief of their blog site. Vida Economica of Portugal has even gone ahead and taken the risk of publishing a book of mine in Portuguese.
The corporate world heaves a sigh of relief to discover that my activities are now mostly confined to delivering inane talks at leading management institutes and unleashing pseudo-scholarly books and articles on the unsuspecting public. This ensures that they remain free to run their businesses the way they like, whereas I spend the rest of my days on this planet in a high-spirited state of bliss, doing what I love to do – reading, writing, listening to music, visiting exotic locales and generally pottering about in Norway, Switzerland and India.
The Association of Ineffective and Morose Managers
If ever your luck were to run out and you were to step out of your virtual world and get to meet me in person, and also have the misfortune of spending some time with me, I would not be surprised to receive a frantic call the very next day, pleading with me to immediately assume the position of the President of the Association of Ineffective and Morose Managers.
Wish you all a goofy April Fools’ Day!
(Related Post: https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2018/07/16/an-interaction-with-some-rotarians-at-pondicherry)
Ashok Bhatia jee This is a classic piece written by a person firmly in his roots You have exhibited your humble nature ( Not that , we were not aware of ) But still , though you are much sought after speaker , author , blogger It is a saluate to your parents , for having imbibed such values in your personality Jiyo Raaja Jiyo – all the best
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Thank you for your generous comment. Allow me to salute you since you say this even after spending quite some time in my boring presence some twenty four years back!
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🙂 🙂
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Reblogged this on ashokbhatia.
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Akb
I totally disagree.you are the most honest and serious consultant I hv met in my corporate career.
All the best.
Spk
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Thanks, SPK, for going through and commenting. Regards.
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What ho! A typo to fix : Well, nothing could be *father* from the truth.
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Thank you, David, for having pointed this out. My apologies for the oversight. Corrected.
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Sir: I am the Talent and Lack Thereof Director for ISLAGIATT (It Seemed Like a Good Idea At The Time). We are currently recruiting for people with your abilities (sic) in the vital position of Chief Blame Officer (CBO), In this position, you would be a C-level executive with the critical role of presenting bad news to the press, thereby shielding CEOs from taking responsibility for their ‘transformational’ innovations (e.g. benchmarking) that lead to retrograde progress in profitability and employee/customer satisfaction. CBO assignments are typically 3-5 years, and end with a substantial termination package that result in a short-term boost in equity prices allowing other C-level to cash in big time before slinking away. We look forward to working with you.
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Honoured to have been considered thus!
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I liked this. You have a great knack for downplaying your wonderful achievements!
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Kind of you to say so. Thank you.
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While Ashok’s wit and humour is evident in “ About me”, I have lots to say and write about his honest approach towards life, his calm demeanour and his literary acumen. I know Ashok for almost three decades now and I am privileged to have a friend like him. Ashok, keep on, keeping on the good work you are doing…….👍👍
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Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, Rajeev Varma!
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This is perhaps the most unique ‘about me’ description I have ever read. I suppose only somebody who has nothing to prove to the world, can downplay themselves in this manner. Despite all your efforts, you have been unsuccessful at creating a lesser version of yourself. Your experience and wisdom shines through, and I can’t help wishing I could attend one of your talks!
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Kind of you to say so. One may attend my talks only after ensuring that one’s insurance cover is intact; specifically, it needs to cover injuries sustained from such flying objects like rotten apples, tomatoes and potatoes, which may get hurled at the speaker.
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Having zipped through the comments, I feel you must be deep indeed, for your ex-associates have such superlatives ascribed to you that you seem to have done the impossible- bedazzle all the people all the time. All this with just being mentally negligible.
Jokes apart, AKB- well done!
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Kind of you to say so, John Korulla. Those who happen to know me believe that if at all I dazzle, I do so in a tubelight-with-a- somewhat-lazy-choke manner, not right away. Surely a sign of being mentally negligible!
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