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ashokbhatia

An Anonymous Doctor

Yet another medical practitioner who wishes to remain anonymous specializes in the realm of diet and nutrition. Like all good doctors, he advises those who have been disappointed in love to eat frugally. Fail to do this, and the result is as inevitable as the climax of a Greek tragedy. No man, however gifted his gastric juices, can go on indefinitely brooding over a lost love and sailing into the starchy foods simultaneously. If so, indigestion grips him soon enough, making him consult a physician like the one alluded to here.

His solutions to cure a soul in torment may sound drastic, but are invariably effective. He is apt to put one on a diet comprising nothing else but the juice of an orange.

He may advise the patient thus: ‘Precisely. Take your orange. Divide it into two equal parts. Squeeze on a squeezer. Pour into a…

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ashokbhatia

The World Health Organisation, as the directing and coordinating authority on international health within the United Nations system, adheres to the UN values of integrity, professionalism and respect for diversity. It upholds such values as human rights, universality and equity established not only in WHO’s Constitution but also in its ethical standards.

In order to further strengthen the team of medical as well as paramedical professionals associated with us, we are hereby pleased to announce the immediate empanelment of the following experts drawn from Plumsville.

Sir Roderick Glossop

The high-priced loony doctor, with a bald head resembling the dome of St. Paul’s cathedral and two ferocious eyebrows which give his eyes a piercing look, has a pleasant baritone voice. He is expected to counsel all those who happen to be in quarantine to make creative use of their time while curbing their tendency to indulge in gambling, getting otherwise…

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An Anonymous Doctor

Yet another medical practitioner who wishes to remain anonymous specializes in the realm of diet and nutrition. Like all good doctors, he advises those who have been disappointed in love to eat frugally. Fail to do this, and the result is as inevitable as the climax of a Greek tragedy. No man, however gifted his gastric juices, can go on indefinitely brooding over a lost love and sailing into the starchy foods simultaneously. If so, indigestion grips him soon enough, making him consult a physician like the one alluded to here.

His solutions to cure a soul in torment may sound drastic, but are invariably effective. He is apt to put one on a diet comprising nothing else but the juice of an orange.

He may advise the patient thus: ‘Precisely. Take your orange. Divide it into two equal parts. Squeeze on a squeezer. Pour into a glass … or cup,’ he added, for he was not the man to be finicky about small details, ‘and drink.’

(The Juice Of An Orange; Blandings Castle… and elsewhere)

Laura Pyke

When it comes to maintaining your digestive system in the pink of its health, yet another dietary expert, Laura Pyke, could assist you. Some may consider her to be a food crank but she is a professional who thinks most of us not only eat too much but also too quickly. She recommends a diet comprising only parsnips and other greens. Alcohol, she maintains, corrodes the stomach tissues.

She is apt to gaze at you like a high priestess imparting instructions to her favourite, though erring, disciple, while describing the manner in which you are ruining the lining of your stomach when you keep eating stuff lacking in fat-soluble vitamins. She would speak freely of proteins, carbohydrates, and the physiological requirements of the average individual.

When you shift to any of her diet plans, your immunity levels are bound to go up, thereby reducing the probability of getting afflicted with viruses of any kind.

It is always wiser to consult her either online or by physically popping up at her clinic, if you have the permission of the concerned authorities. Inviting her to your home, even if she happens to be an old school chum of your spouse, is best avoided.

(Jeeves and the Old School Chum; Very Good, Jeeves)

 

Buck-u-Uppo

Wilfred Mulliner, a brother of Mr Mulliner, is a chemist and is the inventor of various creams, lotions, and tonics, known in the trade as Mulliner’s Magic Marvels.

Many of you may recall the following creams, lotions, and tonics invented by Wilfred Mulliner which are specifically mentioned in various narratives dished out by P G Wodehouse.

  1. Mulliner’s Raven Gypsy Face Cream.
  2. Snow of the Mountains Lotion
  3. Mulliner’s Buck-U-Uppo
  4. Mulliner’s Reduc-o, the recognized specific for obesity. Available in the form of tablets (3d the tin) or liquid (5s6p a flask).
  5. Mulliner’s Ease-o, cures the most stubborn case of lumbago in six days.

Of these, Buck-u-Uppo is a tonic invented ‘primarily with the object of providing Indian Rajahs with a specific (concoction) which would encourage their elephants to face a tiger of the jungle with a jaunty sang-froid.’ It works directly on the corpuscles. The dose for an adult elephant is a teaspoonful mixed with the elephant’s morning mash. If consumed by Home sapiens in glassfuls, it makes them far more confident and assertive, making them succeed in life, whether personally or professionally.

In these times, when work-from-home is the norm, spouses who get persuaded to try a small dose of this concoction may not venture out to paint statues pink. Bishops may refrain from frequenting nightclubs dressed in Sinbad the Sailor costumes.

But long term pending projects at home, such as mowing a lawn, clearing snow off the driveway, garage cleaning, painting a room blue while awaiting the arrival of the stork to deliver the next baby, spending quality time with family members, wearing skirts for a change, tidying up the fridge, doing dishes and mopping the floor, would get attended to with much enthusiasm and aplomb; much to the delight of the party of the other part which had since long given up nagging of the party of the first part on such issues and had instead decided to take a spiritual view of things.

(Buck-U-Uppo features in three Mulliner stories: ‘Mulliner’s Buck-U-Uppo’, ‘The Bishop’s Move’ and ‘Gala Night’.)

Dentists I. J. Zizzbaum, B K Burwash and the like

Merry laughs and gay quips make Doctor I. J. Zizzbaum the life and soul of the party at the annual dentists’ convention. But this does not guarantee his behavior when approached in his white-coat-upholstered professional role.

If his trade rival B K Burwash, who is also in the business of teeth management, has landed a prize catch in the form of a celebrity client like Joey Cooley, the 12-year-old movie star and darling of all American mothers, you could find him to be a gloomy cove, appearing like a dentist with a secret sorrow. This could leave you shuddering even more while seated in his pin-cushioned dentists’ chair.

Dr B K Burwash has a reassuring smile and is rather used to handling celebrity clients who could amount to free advertisement worth about a thousand dollars in the olden days, besides the heavy fee he pockets even otherwise.

Then we have the dentist in Shrewsury who wishes to render his services anonymously.

(Laughing Gas, Leave it to Psmith)

 

Some of the Veterenians

Dr Smithers is a veterinary surgeon who gets called in to investigate the sudden onset of asceticism upon the Empress of Blandings after her keeper Cyril Wellbeloved goes out of action, so much so that she, a hearty feeder, starts refusing any form of nourishment. Somehow, he is baffled by this sudden change in her dietary habits.

 (Blandings Castle, elsewhere)

Banks is yet another vet who gives a clean bill of health to the Empress even when she refuses to accept a potato offered by Lord Emsworth.

(Pelican at Blandings)

 

Webber is another vet who gets called in when the Empress ends up gobbling Gally’s memoirs.

(Heavy Weather) 

Lord Emsworth may have a poor opinion of all these gentlemen. However, we learn from reliable sources that they are capable persons who can bring relief and succor to many of the species known to mankind.

Augustus Whiffle

Residents of Plumsville would fondly recall the dietary requirements of the Empress of Blandings, as prescribed by Whiffle, an authority on all matters porcine. According to him, her daily nourishment should not be less than fifty-seven thousand eight hundred calories, these calories consisting of barley meal, maize meal, linseed mail, potatoes and separated buttermilk.

In order to assist vets and pet owners of all kinds, Augustus Whiffle (or Whipple), the well-known author of Lord Emsworth’s favourite book, The Care of the Pig, has been roped in to promptly dish out his advice on handling pets of other species as well, covering dogs, cats, horses, cows, lions and the like. This, it is hoped, will cheer up pet owners and exert a soothing influence on them when they suspect their pets to be suffering physically in any way. Moreover, the communication gap between a white hunter and a lion which has just been shot, as to whether the latter is dead or alive, could become a thing of the past.

An elderly man with a thin, reedy voice, Mr Whipple is a member of the Athenaeum club and is so impressed by what he hears of the Empress of Blandings. Our office has already contacted Lord Emsworth to request his permission to enable his wish to be fulfilled. We hope a gesture of this kind would enthuse Mr Whipple to churn out his advice in respect of other species without much delay.

(Blandings Castle, elsewhere)

It is hoped that the steps taken by us would assist humans as well as members of other species to attain the highest possible level of health. WHO would keep making its unique contribution towards promoting health, keeping the world safe from pandemics and serving the vulnerable, with measurable impact for people at country level. As always, we are individually and collectively committed to put these values into practice.

Notes

Illustrations of some of the characters have been dished out by Suvarna Sanyal, a retired (but not at all tired) banker who has a flair for dealing with figures. Illustration of the E of B courtesy the www.

 

Inputs from the following fans of PGW are gratefully acknowledged:

Abhik Majumdar

Arun Krish

Bommireddipalli RamaKrishna

Devadas Mallya

Mahesh Sankaran

Morten Arnesen

Gopalakrishna Annavarapu

Pradeep Swaminathan

Ryk Westwood

Satish Pande

Sudhakar Ravindranath

Sudheer Tambe

Ted Fontenot

 

Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/04/11/who-ropes-in-doctors-and-paramedics-from-plumsville-to-counter-corona-virus-part-1-of-2

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/30/some-bollywood-songs-and-the-corona-virus

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/29/cedric-mulliner-defeats-quarantine-guest-post-by-eduardo-garcia/

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/23/psmith-shares-with-lord-emsworth-a-smart-marriage-plan-to-ward-off-corona-virus

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/20/jeeves-deals-with-croronavirus-guest-post-by-eduardo-garcia

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2019/01/05/the-droitgate-spa-now-offers-net-detoxification-programs

 

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The World Health Organisation, as the directing and coordinating authority on international health within the United Nations system, adheres to the UN values of integrity, professionalism and respect for diversity. It upholds such values as human rights, universality and equity established not only in WHO’s Constitution but also in its ethical standards.

In order to further strengthen the team of medical as well as paramedical professionals associated with us, we are hereby pleased to announce the immediate empanelment of the following experts drawn from Plumsville.

Sir Roderick Glossop

The high-priced loony doctor, with a bald head resembling the dome of St. Paul’s cathedral and two ferocious eyebrows which give his eyes a piercing look, has a pleasant baritone voice. He is expected to counsel all those who happen to be in quarantine to make creative use of their time while curbing their tendency to indulge in gambling, getting otherwise sloshed by liberal doses of their favourite tissue restoratives and consuming tobacco in any form whatsoever. He would advise all and sundry to refrain from drinking coffee as he feels that it is the root cause for half the nervous troubles of the world. He has already issued a forceful appeal to governments all over the world to ban the item at least during the time humanity is fighting the dreaded Corona virus.

Given his serious-mindedness in all matters professional, he could be often found surreptitiously observing people under stress in the garb of a butler. Those who have already fixed an appointment with him are best advised not to carry any musical instruments with themselves. Nor does he tolerate pets of any kind, specifically cats.

(Thank You, Jeeves; Very Good, Jeeves; elsewhere)

Sir Hugo Drake

He is yet another famous nerve specialist, assisting those suffering from acute stress generated by country-wide lockdowns which are the norm these days. He is said to be tall but stout.

His passion for the game of golf is well known. He has a deep respect for transatlantic golf. He is never a man who pays much attention to women’s looks. What matters to him is the professional merit of the party of the other part, whether medical or otherwise. He also dishes out books which are found wonderful by such general practitioners as Doctor Sally Smith.

(Doctor Sally)

Doctor Sally Smith

She is a general practitioner from USA. While handling medical emergencies, she is always calm, empathic and fair. She places a premium on understanding the psychology of the patient.

She detests the fact that the male mind does not appear to be able to grasp immediately the fact that a woman doctor need not of necessity be a gargoyle with steel-rimmed spectacles and a wash-leather complexion.

She is averse to getting proposed to by potential suitors while being on duty. She takes a dim view of men who have simply inherited their wealth, preferring instead those who work hard for eking out a living.

(Doctor Sally)

Doctor E. Jimpson Murgatroyd

Your first sight of this capable doctor may not put you at ease. He happens to be a gloomy old buster. He has sad, brooding eyes and long whiskers, and his resemblance to a frog which has been looking on the dark side since it was a slip of a tadpole is apt to send your spirits right down into the basement. He has bushy eyebrows which accentuate the effect of his sounding like a minor prophet about to rebuke the sins of the people. He has this habit of scratching his nose with his stethoscope at frequent intervals.

However, his check ups are thorough. He would weigh you first. He would then proceed to check your blood pressure and pulse. Thereafter, he would tap you all over like a whiskered woodpecker.

His diagnosis is invariably accurate, especially when it comes to red spots popping up in any region of your physical body. His advice to you could be frank and honest but brutal, barring you from such stimulants as alcohol and tobacco. Your irregular hours may get criticized. Your not getting enough exercise may get commented upon. Once the lock down gets relaxed, you may be advised to give up your unwholesome metropolitan life, move to the country, breathe fresh air, go to bed early and also to get plenty of exercise.

(Aunts Aren’t Gentlemen)

The Anonymous Speech Therapist

Those who have fallen in love and are unable to articulate their tender feelings to the party of the other part due to their terrible stammer and overcome their shyness in these virus-ridden times may consider consulting the specialist on Harley Street. He is a kindly man with moth-eaten whiskers and an eye like a meditative cod-fish. He may benevolently advise you to speak to three complete strangers a day.

‘Many people,’ he may explain, ‘who are unable to articulate clearly in ordinary speech find themselves lucid and bell-like when they burst into song….stammering,’ he may add, ‘is mainly mental and is caused by shyness, which is caused by the inferiority complex, which in its turn is caused by suppressed desires or introverted inhibitions or something. The advice I give to all young men who come in here behaving like soda-water siphons is to go out and make a point of speaking to at least three perfect strangers every day. Engage these strangers in conversation, persevering no matter how priceless a chump you may feel, and before many weeks are out you will find that the little daily dose has had its effect. Shyness will wear off, and with it the stammer.’

(The Truth About George; Meet Mr Mulliner)

Doctor Hailsham

Many of you may have a tendency to overeat when stressed out due to prolonged confinement in isolation wards or when quarantined at home. You may have recently put on extra layers of fat on your persona. Comely girl-friends who have a marked distaste for bulging eyes, triple chins and a pear-shaped body may already be registering protest, threatening to put you in cold store and redirecting their affections elsewhere. The cane chairs you normally sit upon might already be creaking and complaining about the harsh treatment being received at your hands.

If so, you may choose to spend some time at the place run by Doctor Hailsham. By way of tissue restoratives, it offers parsnip juice, followed by either stewed lettuce or an orange. On special days, you could be lucky enough to find some exotic items to be put down your hatch, like potassium broth and grated carrots, followed by a refreshing cup of dandelion coffee. You can also go in for seaweed soup, if you prefer.

Doctor Hailsham guarantees to take a pound a day off you, if you follow his regimen faithfully. He also cautions you to make proper arrangements for your travel to his camp, perhaps hiding in a cargo van ferrying fresh fruits and vegetables.

(The Fat of the Land; A Few Quick Ones)

Dr Ambrose Gussett

If you are twiddling your thumbs trying to figure out how to have your rival-in-love returned to store, leaving the field clear for you and your beloved, Doctor Ambrose Gussett would be the right person to consult. He happens to be a thorough professional and a person with deep reserves of tact and resource.

He is a well-liked young doctor, and a golfer with a handicap of two. Some of you may recall that he had once fallen in love with Evangeline Tewkesbury, who had come to the community visiting her aunt. The Oldest Member had then entertained doubts if Ambrose should consider proposing to Evangeline, since she played tennis and not golf, but Ambrose felt that he loved her anyway.

When his tormentor and rival-in-love, Dwight, had fallen sick after an overdose of alcoholic stimulants, Ambrose had lost no time and had acted like a true medico. Dwight had then also got annoyed by a parrot which had been delivered to his house, though he did not remember having ordered one. Ambrose had advised him to rest.

At Evangeline’s place, her aunt had told Ambrose that the former was upset, because nobody had remembered her birthday, though Dwight had promised to buy a parrot for her. Convincing Dwight to let go of the parrot, gifting it to her lady love and then proposing to her had come easy to him. She was hesitant but had eventually agreed.

This is the kind of professional attitude, tact and resource medicos need to handle the multitude of patients afflicted by the dreaded virus these days.

(Up From the Depths; Nothing Serious)

Doctor George Mulliner

He is a caring and compassionate doctor whose brow is often furrowed worrying about the likes of Nurse Wilks, an old nanny of the family. Senior citizens of all hues, sizes and shapes are hereby advised to turn to him for palliative and geriatric care.

The fact that he asks his brother, Frederick, to visit their 85-year old Nurse Wilks, despite knowing that she is as autocratic now as she was during their childhood when she used to shut them up in cupboards for stealing jam, goes on to establish his credentials even in the field of community medicine. Since her heart is weak, Frederick is advised to do whatever she wants him to, including partaking boiled eggs and taking off his shoes; in short, getting treated by her as a school going kid.

Eventual reward for Frederick is a happy reunion with the object of his affections.

(The Portrait of a Disciplinarian; Meet Mr Mulliner)

(Continued…)

Notes

Illustration courtesy Suvarna Sanyal, a retired (but not at all tired) banker who has a flair for dealing with and drawing up figures.

Inputs from the following fans of PGW are gratefully acknowledged:

Abhik Majumdar

Arun Krish

Bommireddipalli RamaKrishna

Devadas Mallya

Mahesh Sankaran

Morten Arnesen

Gopalakrishna Annavarapu

Pradeep Swaminathan

Ryk Westwood

Satish Pande

Sudhakar Ravindranath

Sudheer Tambe

Ted Fontenot

 

Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/04/14/who-ropes-in-doctors-and-paramedics-from-plumsville-to-counter-corona-virus-part-2-of-2

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/30/some-bollywood-songs-and-the-corona-virus

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/29/cedric-mulliner-defeats-quarantine-guest-post-by-eduardo-garcia/

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/23/psmith-shares-with-lord-emsworth-a-smart-marriage-plan-to-ward-off-corona-virus

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2020/03/20/jeeves-deals-with-croronavirus-guest-post-by-eduardo-garcia/

 

 

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