A saunter down the Gallery of Rogue Kids in Plumsville leaves us amazed at the innovative skills, cunning and resource of the children we come across in the works of P G Wodehouse.
Some end up boosting the sagging morale of their fathers. Some treat their step fathers with as much scorn as they can muster at a tender age. They do not spare them while out to collect protection money. Their antics could make or break matrimonial alliances in a jiffy. Souring up business deals comes easy to them. When they burn down cottages, guests are forced to seek shelter in garden sheds.
When seniors devise a Good Conduct award, they leave no stone unturned to prove their mettle. When infatuated with celebrities, they devote their lives to being worthy of their affections. When in the company of clergymen, they end up making them more spiritual, thereby making them hotter on their jobs.
When it comes to wreaking vengeance, they do not discriminate based on one’s wealth or social stature. A Cabinet Minister has as much chance of spending a rainy afternoon out in the open marooned on an island inhabited by an agitated swan as you and I. If we have reported their misdemeanours to an unforgiving mother like Aunt Agatha, we are bound to land in a soup sooner or later. If we have decided to kick them on their backsides, we are bound to find hedgehogs in our beds at night. Retribution is invariably swift and harsh.
When delivering mischief, kids of the gentler sex appear to be deadlier than their male counterparts. But they deploy subtler methods. When playing a prank, they are more delicate in their approach. Not so for the kids of the so-called sterner sex, whose roguish tendencies manifest in a straight forward manner, in full public view. Methods as well as outcomes of the pranks played by them happen to be rough.
Rankings on the Richter Scale of Roguishness
When it comes to ranking them on a Richter Scale of Roguishness, one has to evaluate the evidence available in some of the narratives of P G Wodehouse. One sifts it based on three broad parameters. One, the gravity of the kind of pranks played. Two, if the pranks were of an ingenious nature, perpetrated by self-motivated souls, entirely of their own. Three, the goofiness of the methods deployed.
Based on the above, one would endeavour to grant them the following scores.
Ogden Ford
Here is someone who can manipulate his kidnappers with much aplomb, change the rules of the game at the school he joins and even tick off his step father. If there is a spoilt and unpleasant brat who is overindulged by his wealthy parents, it is Ogden, the supreme fiend in human shape.
A score of 8.2 would perhaps be the mot juste.
Thos
Master Thomas is one of the star attractions in the Gallery of Rogue Kids. He is the King of the Underworld. He is also known as The Shadow. He has carroty hair and a cynical expression. His manner is curt and supercilious. The only person who appears capable of outwitting him is Jeeves.
A score of less than 7.9 would be undervaluing his unique capabilities.
Edwin
He is the younger brother of Florence Craye. When he tries to catch up with his acts of kindness, human life is imperiled. His acts of mercy include burning down country cottages, nipping his father and others with a Scout’s stick when mistaking them for a burglar, mending egg boilers with perilous results and pasting press clippings of ‘Spindrift’ upside down.
He deserves a score of at least 7.7.
Seabury
If you do not cough up protection money when called upon to do so, things could happen to you. The fact that you happen to be an aspiring step father does not get you off the hook. Using butter slides to trip one up is one of the tricks he can teach us. This is how Bertie views him.
‘In my Rogues Gallery of repulsive small boys I suppose he would come about third – not quite so bad as my Aunt Agatha’s son, Young Thos, or Blumenfeld’s Junior, but well ahead of little Sebastian Moon, my Aunt Dahlia’s Bonzo, and the field.’
A score of less than 7.3 would be unjust.
Kid Blumenfeld
In the world of theatre, he is an undisputed king-maker. Besides nipping the career of aspiring artists in the bud, this dish-faced specimen is also in the habit of walking off with a guest’s pet. When he takes a fancy to McIntosh, Jeeves has to intervene so that relations between Bertie and Aunt Agatha continue to be cordial.
Here is someone who deserves to be awarded a score of at least 5.1.
Sebastian Moon
The boy with golden curls has hidden depths which deserve a further investigation. He tends to be direct and blunt. While in love with Clara Bow, he does not mince words when criticizing Greta Garbo. Jeeves is convinced about his proficiency in matters which might get classified as pranks in our civilized times.
A score of 4.6 would surely be in order.
Bonzo
Details about his escapades remain fuzzy but the opinion of his mother, Aunt Dahlia, does carry some weight with us.
‘Whenever it comes to devilry, Bonzo is a good, ordinary selling-plater. Whereas Thomas is a classic yearling.’
A score of 3.8 might do him justice.
Peggy Mainwaring
She is a red-haired young girl with a snub-nose and an extremely large grin. She could impart lessons on unnerving the best of public speakers by using such techniques as giggling and staring.
A score of 3.6 would perhaps be in order.
Oswald
The brother of the formidable Honoria Glossop, Oswald happens to be one of those supercilious souls who give you the impression that you went to the wrong school and that your clothes do not quite fit.
He deserves a score of 3.3.
Kid Clementina
She teaches us the art of going AWOL when under the care of Miss Mapleton, the female lion-tamer.
A score of 2.1 would perhaps be in order.
Prudence Baxter
An innocent kid, she secures the fifth position at the local Egg and Spoon Race. However, thanks to Jeeves, she gets declared as a winner.
She deserves a negative rank on the Richter Scale of Roguishness: -1.8
Algernon Aubrey Little
Bingo Little Junior wins a bonny baby competition, giving his father the vim and courage to demand a raise from the proprietor of Wee Tots. When left in the custody of Oofy Prosser, his Godfather, the latter sees the futility of getting married in life and decides to remain a bachelor.
He scores -2.2.
The hapless parents of all the kids who score higher than 5 on the Richter Scale of Roguishness obviously have our full sympathies.
Notes:
1. This list does not purport to be exhaustive in nature. Nor does it claim to be highly objective. In case of a demur of any kind, a consultation with Reginald Jeeves would provide better satisfaction.
2. This summary has been compiled for the benefit of those in a tearing hurry. For a leisurely review, the reader is hereby exhorted to either refer to the original narratives of the Master, or to look up the detailed blog posts listed herein.
Sourced from:
-The Little Nugget
-Piccadilly Jim
-The Mating Season
-Very Good, Jeeves
-Joy in the Morning
-Thank you, Jeeves
-The Inimitable Jeeves
-Carry On, Jeeves
-Eggs, Beans and Crumpets
An Update:
A shorter and crisper version of this blog post also appears in Wooster Sauce, the quarterly journal of the P G Wodehouse Society (UK) in its issue number 96 of December 2020.
(Related Posts:
https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/04/01/when-masters-thos-bonzo-and-moon-rise-in-love)
Quite informative and very insightful thoughts…
😀
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Thank you!
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This is a great series Ashok! However, I have a slight quibble with your rankings – and also wish to point out a glaring omission.
First, I feel that Clementina deserves to be ranked a bit higher – considering that she not only went AWOL from school, but did so (if memory serves) after having already been sent to bed for putting sherbet in the ink pots. Surely this chain of misdemeanours rates a slightly higher ranking on the Roguishness scale?
Lastly, I was surprised to see that Prudence Carroway did not get a mention. The sort of girl who sets her dormitory on fire, shoots apples off pigs’ heads and attempts bareback-riding in the nude must surely warrant at least a 6 on the Roguishness scale! I appreciate that two of the above incidents occur before the story opens, but I am certain that Freddie Widgeon, for one, would insist on her being mentioned based purely on the last incident alone (Ref: Trouble Down at Tudsleigh).
I hope you will not be offended at these well-meant suggestions – I am, as ever, a fervent admirer of your careful and comprehensive explorations of the Wodehousean universe 🙂
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No offence taken! As a fellow Plummite, one appreciates such valuable additions to one’s explorations.
In case of Clementina, perhaps some allowance would be in order, since it happened to be her birthday. Moreover, when a cousin of the stature of Bobby Wickham plans a birthday binge (at the cost and peril of Bertie Wooster, of course), lesser mortals can merely twiddle their thumbs and fall in line!
Thank you so much for introducing me to Prudence Carroway. I shall surely take prompt steps through the right channels to endeavour to get to know her better. Going by the incidents quoted by you, she deserves not only to find a honourable mention but also to be rated. Would you say that a score of about 7 on the Richter Scale of Roguishness would be the mot juste?
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Ahh yes, I suppose the birthday might be count as an extenuating circumstance. However, I doubt that she behaved any better on other days – especially considering she is related to Bobbie Wickham! (and, I believe, also possessed red hair). I think a score of 7 for Prudence Carroway would about fit the bill – and she definitely deserves to be more widely known!
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Reblogged this on Plumtopia and commented:
Just in case you missed the recent series by Ashokia Bhatia celebrating Wodehouse’s young squirts and pests, his Gallery of Rogue Kids is a delicious summary (with links to the previous installments).
Another specimen for the gallery might be ‘Albert the page’ at Belpher Castle in A Damsel in Distress:
‘To one who saw his deep blue eyes and their sweet, pensive expression as they searched the middle distance he seemed like a young angel. How was the watcher to know that the thought behind that far-off gaze was simply a speculation as to whether the bird on the cedar tree was or was not within range of his catapult? ‘
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Thanks for the honour, Honoria. Appreciate your adding to the list! Ashok Bhatia.
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My pleasure. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
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Hahaa this is gold! As I mentioned on fb, I’m hooked on to your blog 🙂
The one thing I like more than reading Plum is analysis of his characters! Very well written 🙂
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Thank you. One merely endeavours to provide satisfaction, as Jeeves would have put it!
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Sir hats off to you. Your remarkable memory, analysis and construction. Just brilliant. And the methodology adopted to gauge the kids using Richter scale is genius/
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Kind of you to say so. One merely feels contented at having provided some satisfaction!
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Reblogged this on ashokbhatia.
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Lord Emaworth”s grandson George (the one who set off the ‘crime wave’ at Blandings!) could be a worthy addition to the list. Also Joey Cooley from Laughing Gas (whosee dearest wish was to poke April June on the snoot!)
Ogden at #1 is indisputable. He stands apart!
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Thank you for your kind comment!
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Does the office boy in the story’ Tha mam,the Maid and the Miasma’ qualify?
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Yes; thank you for the suggestion! Regards
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