I wonder if I should endeavor to find a true and worthy soul mate,
Who would join me in facing the harsh slings and arrows of fate.
Let me be spared of someone like Madeline who gazes moodily at stars in the sky,
While I yearn for smoked salmon, cheese and wine, or some bacon and egg fry.
Honoria Glossop would be prone to slapping the backs of guests with all her might,
Nudging me to perform goofy deeds without any consideration of my own plight.
Roberta Wickham would sashay up to the altar with much aplomb,
But each moment spent with her would be like a ticking bomb.
Pauline Stoker would exhort me to swim a mile before breakfast,
And then play five sets of tennis post-lunch, leaving me gasping and aghast.
Florence Craye would like to mould me into an intellectual cove,
Being a fine example of cerebral excellence I detest and abhor.
Stiffy Byng might just make me pinch the helmet of a constable,
Only guests meeting Bartholomew’s approval would end up at our dining table.
The Wooster Code prohibits me adding more to this list,
The brainier ones amongst you would have by now got the gist.
Ideal mate for me would be lissome, endowed with a generous helping of grey cells,
Feeding enough fish to Jeeves who can protect us when life rings its sinister bells.
Someone who would dish up a seven course Anatole meal with a magic wand,
Ensure a liberal supply of tissue restoratives with pick-me-ups always at hand.
Keeping my house clear of invading cousins, cats, dogs and aunts,
My life free of silver cow creamers, speeches to school kids and Pa Bassett’s taunts.
Fussing over me like my cousin Angela, a spiritual view on life she would possess,
Supporting all my endeavors to enliven life and to help my pals in distress.
In matters of attire and appearance, she would keep Jeeve’s admonitions at bay,
A stiff upper lip upholding the pride of the Woosters, making life joyous and gay.
An occasional sojourn to the Drones to hone my skills in darts she would not mind,
Keeping the milk of human kindness sloshing about within me in a soft bind.
Warm and cosy evenings may see me acting like the perfect preux chevalier,
Cuddling small ones the prattle of whose feet would make the house livelier.
Jeeves’ feudal spirit would ensure that the Wooster millions remain safe and secure,
The right mate chosen and banns announced, heart overflowing with love pure.
The day we walk down the aisle dispelling many a nymph’s father’s dreary gloom,
God would be in heaven, a benevolent sun shining, birds chirping, flowers in bloom.
As winter turns to spring, my thoughts invariably assume a romantic hue,
Let me consult Jeeves; yes, your opinion on this fruity scheme is also overdue.
(This post was composed prior to the advent of the ‘Jeeves and the Wedding Bells’ era)
OUTSTANDING !!!!
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One merely endeavors to provide satisfaction, as Jeeves would have put it. Thank you!
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Reblogged this on Plumtopia: The world of P.G. Wodehouse and commented:
Next in our series on the Great Wodehouse Romances, is this poem ‘by’ Bertie Wooster on the subject of the great loves in his life. My thanks to the knowledgable and prolific ashokbhatia for this piece.
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Your poem is fun:). I hadn’t even heard of _Jeeves and the Wedding Bells_ until I read your post. I am not sure I could bring myself to read it – have you read it, and if so what did you think?
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No, I have not had that pleasure as yet. I also feel I have so much to catch up on the original PGW works.
Thanks for your comment and the trust reposed in me!
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Fun!
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Am glad you liked it!
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Splendid!
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Thank you. One merely endeavors to provide satisfaction!
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If ever they read the Wooster marriage banns,
Here comes Bertie, drinker, loafer, ladies man!
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Much obliged for your comments!
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Capital! I think you should tweet this to Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) and Stephen Fry (@stephenfry).
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That is a delectable idea. However, since I am not on this exalted platform, may be you could send them the link, if you think fit!
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Done, sir.
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Much obliged, Maneesh ji.
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Awesome, neatly summed up 🙂
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Thank you. Of all the female residents of Plumsville, I do not think any one fits into being an ideal soul mate for the hapless Bertie!
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When I commented on the Fans of P G Wodehouse page on FB today, stating that I believed that the only pragmatically inclined persons who could perhaps be considered fit to be Bertie’s soul mates, some of the denizens of Plumsville commented as under:
Satish Pande
I find no one in Jeeves and Bertie stories suitable..I will recommend importing Sue (Oh Sue!) Brown from Blandings..
John Hall
Stiffy Byng would keep you on your toes, on top of your game.
Ramachandra Aluri
Gally!!! of course!!
Øystein Moe
What’s the name of Pauline Stoker’s younger sister? A plain normal girl with a sympathetic ear for Bertie’s troubles? That could work.
Deven Shroff
I think Pauline’s younger sister was called Bobby .. good looking but again not quite the ideal lady .. Sue Brown is perhaps the woman for Bertie ..
Sandy Harris
Bobbie or Stiffie would appeal to me. Bertie should of course consult Jeeves.
Lina Krishnan
Bobbie Wickham would be an adventurous choice – but J would never allow it!
Deven Shroff
Now when I read Lina’s comment I realize Bobby can’t be Pauline’s sister . Pauline’s younger sister was called Emerald not Bobby . My apologies.
Kishore M. Rao
One needs to jealously guard one’s hot water bottle when young Roberta Wickham is around …
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What a spiffy poem! I quite enjoyed reading it. And as to Bertie’s ideal mate I would suggest
someone like Sally Nicholas in The Adventures of Sally. Sally is small, pretty, motherly, good-hearted, easygoing and full of fun. She would be indulgent of Bertie’s failings and would be a gracious hostess when his Drones Club cronies came to call. She would get along well with Jeeves, who in turn would approve of her and would stay in Bertie’s employ even after the marriage. Aunt Dahlia, too, would like Sally. And if Aunt Agatha ever tried to belittle B. Wooster in Sally’s hearing, there would be World War III, with my money on Sally winning the fight! In short, all would be gas and gaiters.
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Thank you, Hazel, for such a well thought-out comment. Jeeves would surely approve of her.
Another person whose candidature appeals to me is that of Joan Valentine. But perhaps she would be too independent minded?!
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This kind of assumes the girls would have nothing to say about it. I don’t think any of those women would have Bertie.
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Hmm….needs some research. Did any one of these wanted to have a whack at the Wooster millions? Or, were any of them scouting around for a hen-pecked soul mate who would happen to be mentally negligible and, thus, could be wrapped around their dainty fingers? The mind boggles.
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Nah, I don’t see that substantiated in the texts. That money would be the bottom-line with them. Indeed, most of those women had their chance at him and, in one fashion or another, gave him his walking papers.
Jeeves had it right: Bertie is one of nature’s bachelors.
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True. However, having a ‘whack at the Wooster millions’ is a phrase which does pop up at least once somewhere, though my fragile memory fails me as of now to spot the lady who is alluded to therein.
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Reblogged this on ashokbhatia.
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